Category: Parent Cue

Pastor B Parent Cue, Summer

How to Read a Kid’s Mind at Any Phase

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“Read their mind” is just our way of saying, a parent should seek to understand what’s changing mentally and physically about their kids. Kids and teenagers don’t think like adults. So it’s the role of a parent is to translate what you want in a way they can understand. When you know how they think—they will hear what you say and know what to do.

Preschoolers think like an artist.

Artists experience the world through activities that stimulate the five senses. Preschoolers blend reality with imagination and learn through participation. A baby’s brain has more neurons than at any other time in life, and those neurons are forming two million synapses every second. In this phase, they are mildly aware of everything in their environment, and they take it all in at an unfathomable pace. Preschoolers learn experientially, through their senses, from someone who responds to them. In their world, there is no real distinction between what is real and what is imaginary. Like artists, they learn best when they can make it with their hands. This is why movement, music, and art are critical for learning in this phase.

Preschoolers blend reality with imagination and learn through participation.

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Elementary-age kids think like a scientist.

Scientists understand the world through concrete evidence they can test repeatedly. Elementary-age kids discover how things work through repetition and clear application. Brain research suggests that during the elementary years (ages 4-10 or 11), kids learn information quickly and easily. But just because kids in this phase are eager to learn, it doesn’t mean they learn like adults. They’re still mostly concrete thinkers. They need repetition and clear application. Like a scientist, they learn best when they can observe something in their present environment. The more frequently a new concept can be connected to everyday experience, the better.

Elementary-age kids discover how things work through repetition and clear application.

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Middle schoolers think like an engineer.

Engineers solve problems by connecting concepts so they work together. Middle schoolers personalize abstract concepts by connecting ideas. Like their physical bodies, there is a “growth spurt” in the brain of a middle schooler. The brain overproduces neurons and synapses similar to the growing brain of a toddler. This period of rapid growth accounts for a middle schooler’s ability to think more abstractly, to understand multiple perspectives, and to think critically about themselves and others. It also means that instructions need to be simple and clear if you hope to be heard. Like an engineer, they learn best when they personalize an idea by connecting pieces of information. That’s why puzzles, patterns, and codes can be helpful for learning in this phase.

Middle schoolers personalize abstract concepts by connecting ideas.

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High schoolers think like a philosopher.

Philosophers seek to understand what is unseen and what cannot be measured. High schoolers want to discover meaning and learn best by processing out loud. A high schooler loses approximately one percent of the gray matter of their brain every year through a process called “pruning.” Pruning allows the brain to prioritize information to become flexible and efficient. With this new efficiency comes an increase in analytical thinking. But, the limbic system (risk-taking) is developing at a faster rate than the prefrontal cortex (regulating behavior). So risk and personal experience still govern behavior. Like a philosopher, they learn best through open debate, multiple perspectives, and applied reasoning. That’s why self-expression and community are essential for learning in this phase.

High schoolers want to discover meaning and learn best by processing out loud.

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Just remember, when you understand the way a kid’s mind is changing, you stand a far better chance of identifying clues that help you know what they are thinking, conveying a message they can understand and laying a foundation for learning in the future.

New Resources from The Phase Project

If you want more on parenting through each phase of a kids life, we have some exciting new resources for you coming in July! We have developed a series of 18 guides to help you navigate each year you have with your kids to give help you discover what’s changing about your kid over the next 52 weeks, six things your kid needs most, and four conversations to have in each phase.

Click here to find out more and preorder your copy

Pastor B Oakwood, Parent Cue, Summer

Keep It Weird Parent Cue

THINK ABOUT THIS
By Reggie Joiner
Who I am is determined by a combination of things like:
My past experiences
My significant relationships
My personal interests
My spiritual beliefs
My personality traits
My physical characteristics
My natural talents

Each one of these things plays a role in shaping your child’s identity. Sure, there may be a host of people who have things in common with your child in each of these areas, but no one has the same combinations as your individual son or daughter. So, as parents, these issues become a way for us to think about the uniqueness of each of our children, and to help them begin a healthy journey toward understanding who they are. Here are a few suggestions to create an atmosphere in your home that celebrates the value of uniqueness.

Reinforce the Idea of Uniqueness Verbally
How often do you actually say something that encourages a sense of uniqueness in your children? It may seem strange but when my kids were younger, I would say things like, “Sarah, I just want you to know that you are my favorite second-born daughter.” She would reply with a sigh, “Dad, I’m your only second-born daughter!” I would smile and say, “Exactly.” There are a number of ways you can be intentional about saying things to your kids that add to their sense of uniqueness. Be specific. For example instead of saying, “You are a good writer,” you might say something like, “I can tell by your writing that you think in a very detailed way.”

Capture Significant Memories
Your past really does influence your understanding of who you are. Memory is a powerful force. There are significant moments that should be highlighted through photography, symbols, journals, etc. An author friend of mine recently talked about how he decided to collect things to decorate his home that actually reminded him of specific defining moments in his past. It makes sense when you remember that your past experiences are part of what makes your story unique.

Share Family Stories to give a Sense of their Unique Heritage
When my kids were younger, I heard a psychologist talk about how critical it was for children to hear stories about their parents and grandparents. He explained how it helped them contextualize their lives, and find a sense of connection and identity from the bigger story of their family. There are a number of ways to collect family stories. One way is to start a tradition on family holidays to have relatives tell stories about you and your parents from their perspective. It gives your children a unique view of you and themselves they would not otherwise have.

Expose them to Different Cultures and People Groups
If you live in the country, visit the city. If you live in the city, visit the country. Develop relationships with neighbors or associates who come from different ethnic backgrounds. Eat in a restaurant where the owners are from another culture and speak a different language. Ask them creative questions to find out something interesting about their culture. Watch documentaries together that broaden their understanding of how other people live. Teach them to respect the diversity around them.

Experiment with a Variety of Activities
Again, one of the most important things you can do as a parent is to continue to help your kids discover their strengths and passion. It’s okay for your kids to try out a number of things before they find the things they love to do and what that are naturally good at doing. When they are young, let them experience different kinds of camps, play different sports, and experiment with art and music to discover their passions. I know parents who have let their older kids spend the day with different friends at work so they can get a better understanding of a variety of occupations. Remember, you are helping them narrow their focus to the few things that they will ultimately invest their life.

What other ideas do you have to teach kids about uniqueness?

Get connected to a wider community of parents at TheParentCue.org.

TRY THIS
There isn’t a more difficult time in life to navigate differences and embrace uniqueness than in middle school. During this time, it can sometimes be hard to see that the things that make us unique are hints at what we can excel at. Especially if we ‘re constantly being teased or pressured to conform to what the popular group deems as “normal.”

One thing we can all do to help our teenagers embrace their uniqueness is to model the way. We can show them what it looks like to embrace the unique characteristics about themselves.

Think about your unique characteristics. How have you recognized, used, talked about, and celebrated them? How difficult was it for you in middle school to embrace these unique qualities? Were you bullied, teased, or ashamed of them? What changed that?

This week, share the answers to these questions with your teenager.
Maybe in the car you say . . .
•Hey, did I ever tell you what middle school was like for me?
•Hey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a bad habit of __________ about myself. So I’ve decided instead of ____________, I am going to change the way I talk about it. I need your help!
•Hey, remind me when we get home to show you a [picture, figurine, trophy, etc.] that I received when I as in middle school.

One of the best gifts you can give your teenager is to normalize their feelings around their unique qualities. This conversation can be the first step towards creating an atmosphere in your home that celebrates the value of uniqueness.

Pastor B Parent Cue, Spring

Parent Cue: How do you Access

THINK ABOUT THIS
By Carey Nieuwhof
You may have a toddler right now who won’t leave your side. You know the kind. The kid who’s glued to your leg, velcroed to your arm, who keeps wanting you to read the same story again, and again, and again. It’s driving you nuts some days, isn’t it?

It’s hard to believe, but one day, they’re going to withdraw. Ask any parent who has middle schoolers. Or teenagers. It happens . . . they withdraw. And you know what happens to most parents? Most parents have no idea what to do. So they do this: When their kids withdraw, they withdraw.

Why wouldn’t you? I mean it kind of works like that in life, doesn’t it? When someone doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, you eventually give up and withdraw—which only makes sense. You can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t want to be your friend. Except that in this case, they’re you’re family. The dynamic isn’t as straightforward. So what do you do?

As a father of 2 sons, now 19 and 23, I can give you a few pointers. Now, I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve just been confused by it long enough and have enough scars to write a few hundred words on the subject.
Basically, if you’ve got a kid who thinks Minecraft is far more interesting than Mom, or a son who doesn’t want to watch movies with you but seems to want to watch anything and everything with their friends, what do you do?

1. Get Over Your Hurt. Just admit it: It kind of hurts a little. You pour your heart into your kids, get up at 5 a.m. to take them to practice, do homework with them on nights when your brain should have had a rest hours ago, fund everything, and suddenly they find you . . . uninteresting.
As much as that kind of stinks, you’re the parent. Get over it. Your job isn’t to be their friend, it’s to be their parent.

2. Be Around. When my oldest started high school, he told me, “Hey dad . . . why can’t you just be like other dads and simply hang around more?” It was weird for me to hear that, because I was home a lot. But he was right. I was always busy. Being a driven person who loves what he does, I was always working on a new project or writing something new.

The penny dropped. So basically I just needed to hang around and do nothing, or at least not be preoccupied? I didn’t know if I had a category for that. But I tried. I decided to hang around the house night after night with no particular agenda, just to see what happened.

The first night my oldest son went out after supper to hang out with friends and my other son was tied up with something else. I thought, well this is stupid. I wanted to go get busy with something. But my wife persisted. So I decided to give it more time.

And after a while, we started connecting much more. No agenda. Nothing pressing. Just by virtue of being in the same space in the same time repeatedly, we connected. And I learned this: While being around is no guarantee anything relationally significant will happen, not being around is an absolute guarantee nothing relationally significant will happen.
So be around.

3. Leverage The Ordinary. Your rhythm changes as your kids get older. Tucking your five-year-old into bed is an amazingly glorious ritual. Tucking your 15-year-old into bed every night is just weird. You lose a lot of the rhythms of childhood when your kids get older. And if you keep invading the space they spend with their friends, you lose major points.
But there are other opportunities. Meal times are a case in point.

Take the time to eat a meal together . . . not in the car . . . not standing at the kitchen breakfast bar sucking back a smoothie on your way out the door, but at a real table, with real chairs, with real forks and real knives. And chew your food. If you take 15-30 minutes to have dinner together and turn off all your devices, amazing things happen. Amazing things like conversations. No matter how busy our lives get, we always try to sit down together for five dinners a week. If you prioritize it, it can happen.

Another great opportunity is during your drive time. I know, you feel like a taxi service. So leverage that. Turn the music off . . . or up, depending on your mood. Don’t talk on the phone. Stop texting (especially if you’re driving), and talk. Conversations in the car can go deeper faster because you haven’t got the pressure of looking at each other.

So what happens when all this happens?

Well, you grow up. They grow up. And sometimes, they develop a habit of coming around.

I’m writing this after having lunch with my eldest son and his wife at a Mexican restaurant they found near their place in Toronto. He had called the day earlier and said, “Hey Dad, you and mom want to come down after church? We’d love to hang out with you guys.” My other son now calls and texts from a university out of town . . . even when he doesn’t need money. Imagine that.
Just remember this. When your kids withdraw, don’t withdraw. It’s so worth the fight.
Get connected to a wider community of parents at TheParentCue.org.

 

TRY THIS
In this series, we’ve been talking about the idea of “all access”—the idea that we have all access to God, which gives us access to hope and purpose. But your teenager also needs to know they have an all-access pass to talk to you. That’s certainly easier when they’re younger. Bath time and bed time give you clear opportunities to talk. But as schedules get busier and the conversations become more complicated, it may be helpful to remind your son or daughter that they still have your attention.
This week, try texting them or writing a simple note to let them know you’re still available to them. It doesn’t have to be long or emotional. Try something like this:
Hey, I heard you’ve been talking about “all access” at church. I know sometimes it may not feel like you have or need all-access to me, but I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, anytime. No pressure to start today. Just wanted you to know.
Honestly, you may not get a response. That’s okay. The goal is to simply re-give them permission to talk to you on their time and when they’re ready.

Pastor B Parent Cue, Spring

Why Your Kids Need Someone Else to Talk To

Why Your Kids Need Someone Else to Talk To

I remember the day I turned thirteen. I was thinking of my red three speed bike with the banana seat, sissy bar and raised handlebars. I loved it, but I knew it was a kids’ bike and soon I’d have to ride a ten speed like every other teenager. I wish I could say I was excited about becoming a teenager, but the emotions were really mixed.

For one thing, ‘teenager’ wasn’t a great word back in the late seventies. At least from the perspective of a thirteen-year old, most adults seemed to either fear them or loathe them.

Secondly, I was the oldest child in my family of four kids and the only son. So I didn’t really have anyone to look up to in my family who could show me what being a teenager was like. I knew some teens for sure, but I knew they were into things that I probably didn’t want to get into. In the moment, going back a year to being twelve or even eleven seemed like a better option than turning thirteen.

I don’t remember having anyone to talk to about any of this. I could talk to my dad, for sure, but how do you have a conversation like that? I wasn’t even sure what I was feeling, let alone did I know how to articulate it. And while there were lots of adults around me, I didn’t really understand that I might be able to talk to them about life.

Ever been there as a kid?

Fast forward a few decades. I’m a father now with two sons who are four and seven years past their thirteenth birthdays.  I remember when they turned thirteen, I tried to initiate a conversation with them, just in case they felt like I did. Let’s just say the conversation was super friendly and super short. They either didn’t struggle with it, or, maybe, they didn’t feel like talking to their dad about it.

All of which reminds me of the importance of a wider circle.

I’m so thankful my kids are growing up realizing that there are other adults they can talk to that actually want to invest in them. They each have a small circle of a half dozen or so adults or young adults they have meaningful relationships with. Some have been mentors to them, others have been small group leaders or church staff.  Others are family members, friends and neighbors. They don’t need to be alone, and they’re not alone. I know they’ve had many conversations with their wider circles–some of which I’ll never know about. And for that, I’m incredibly grateful.

Do your kids have a wider circle of influence? Maybe it’s a small group leader at church, or a teacher who’s taken a special interest in them, or an uncle or an aunt they feel comfortable with. Whoever it is, it’s just important that someone is there. And as an adult, you can help foster those relationships.

Oh, and by the way, I still ride a bike.  And while it’s not red, it’s a ten speed road bike that I like even a little more than my beloved banana seat bike. Growing up wasn’t so bad after all.

Who have you got in your children’s life that can provide that wider circle of influence? What are you doing to encourage those relationships?

Pastor B Oakwood, Parent Cue, Spring

Open Your Home – Parent Cue

Parent Cue – THINK ABOUT THIS
by Autumn Ward
It can be difficult to know how to influence our teenagers. We give advice. They act like we’ve lost our minds. We give encouragement. They roll their eyes. Even when our teenage sons and daughters are respectful, it can feel like they’re not listening. But we all know who they are listening to. They’re all listening to their friends.
At this phase, one of our greatest opportunities to influence our kids is to have a relationship with their friends. And, it isn’t always as difficult as it sounds. Having influence with a teenager doesn’t mean you have to wear skinny jeans and know the names of pop stars. It doesn’t mean you have to throw lavish parties or have the coolest house on the block. Sometimes having influence is as simple as having them over to your home.

In her article Open Your Home on ParentCue.org, author and mom of three, Autumn Ward, talks about the benefits and the costs of spending time with her kids’ friends:

http://theparentcue.org/open-your-home/

I love beautifully decorated homes with every little thing in place; a candle quietly burning, fresh flowers in a vase, soft music playing, spotless floors and bathrooms, freshly polished furniture. . . and vacuum lines on carpet.
As much as I would love to say this describes my home, it does not. I mean, I still try. I haven’t totally given up on the dream, but I learned a long time ago that hosting kids in my home does not, in any way, help my straight-out-of-HGTV dream become a reality.

The sleepovers.
The football team hanging out.
The basketball team hanging out.
The soccer team hanging out.
(We’ve had a lot of teams over the years!)
The gang dropping by for a snack.
The impromptu bonfires.
The school study groups.

They’ve all left their mark on my home—literally.

The basement walls we finally painted got a layer of Dr. Pepper sprayed on them three weeks later.

The ceiling fan light fixture got shattered by a body pillow being waved in the air by one young man who was trying to fan away body odors.

The recliner no longer leans back all the way and kind of tilts to one side after a group of guys decided to see how many would fit in it. (The answer is five, in case you’re wondering.)

Oh and the handprints. The walls of the staircase going down to my basement have the handprints of just about every teen we know.

Recently, after my son’s high school graduation, I found myself staring at all those scuff marks and handprints. As I ran my hand across what would be ugly to most, I uttered a “thank you” to God. I thanked Him for helping me open my home, because when I open my home, I open my heart. And in exchange, I received so much more than a beautifully decorated, clean house:

The sound of teens worshiping in my basement.
The laughter of boys being boys.
The excitement of girls talking over one another.
The huddle around the oven waiting for food.
The hugs from kids I barely knew.
The title of “Mom” from kids who aren’t mine.
And the “thanks Mom” from the kids who are.

In that moment, I found myself overwhelmed with gratitude for the opportunity to care for, influence, and shape the kids who play such a role in the life of my kids—their friends.

Parents, open your home. Let your house be the hangout, the host home, the place where teens can be. Don’t wait until you think your house is “good enough.” All kids want is a place to be with the friends they want to be with.

Yes, it’s exhausting and will cost you. But I promise you, it will be worth it.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________
TRY THIS
This week, try investing in your kid’s friends by offering to have them over. You don’t have to plan a party. Just ask your kid what they’re doing this week. Maybe it’s . . .
•studying for a test.
•watching Netflix.
•shopping for a homecoming dress.
•watching the game.
Then ask, “Do you want to invite ______ to come over while you do that?”

When their friends come over, make an effort to just “be around.” You don’t have to watch the movie with them, but be there to greet them. Ask how they’re doing. Offer snacks. When you do, you’re communicating that you care about them and you’re making an investment that will pay off over and over again.

Pastor B Culture, Parent Cue, Spring

The Other Person Your Child Needs

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We’re miles apart connected through cell phones, but the smile I feel in her voice sinks into my bones. With me, through moves across the country, career changes, moments when I was feeling sorry for myself, and times I needed to celebrate, Sibyl always had the words that hit the spot. She’s never shied away from saying what was hard  (she once told me to get off my butt and get started). But her words mattered because they were spoken from someone who knew me and loved me.

We know as adults we need these voices in our lives, but there’s someone who needs them even more: your child.

Wait a minute, your child has you, right? You’re the awesome parent who loves them more than anyone else in the world.

Exactly. You see your child through parent eyes, filled with hope and an achingly deep love that wants them to always try their best, always step into that next opportunity, always get that A, because you know they can do it. You were there the moment they made their grand entrance. You’re the one with the naked baby butt stories they beg you not to tell.

No way can an outside voice ever take your place, but they can fill a different seat at the table that you can’t.

Let’s face it. Somewhere between Lululemon and man buns, you’ve lost your coolness (okay, you haven’t lost it, you just can’t find it at the moment). You’re still essential, but now, there’s more your child needs. They need an additional, I-know-what-you’re-feeling voice. Here’s why:

They need a listening ear that’s not you, because sometimes it’s about you. Geesh, I don’t want my child talking to someone else about me! Actually, you do. Remember that time you made your daughter march back to her room (okay, she stomped) because the shorts she had on didn’t cover the essentials? She felt like you had ruined her life. When she talks to her friends about it, they’re on her side, which isn’t always helpful. When she talks to another wise adult she trusts, they can help with the why behind the what and help her see you’re on her side too. Which is incredibly helpful.

They need someone to sit with them at ground zero. As parents, we want to get them past what hurts and help lift their eyes to tomorrow. But when something hurts, it hurts today. Your child needs someone to talk to that remembers what it feels like to sit at the lunch table alone, left out of the Friday night party, or dumped by their best friend. As parents, it’s tempting to talk them out of feeling sad. It’s okay, there are lots of other parties. But often, they are not ready for this conversation yet. This is where an outside person can “sit in it” with them and help them process their feelings, giving them time for perspective to seep in.

Some things are too itchy for a parent’s ears. We want our kids to talk to us about the hard stuff. Pornography, sexting, what their best friend got arrested for last night, that decision they made that turned out to be a terrible one. But this is where an outside person can be extremely valuable. They can listen without freaking out, bring some wise words and help your child see why they do need to share it with you. A wise outside voice they trust who also reinforces your family relationship and your family values is like gold, and it keeps your child from feeling isolated with things that feel too big to talk about.

If your child already has someone they can talk to that you trust, like a teacher, coach, small group leader, mentor, let your child know you’re okay with it. Be supportive of their conversations, letting them know they can share what they talk about, but don’t force it. And honor the relationship by allowing time for it.

But what if your child doesn’t have an outside voice?

Ask a leader in your church or at their school if there are any young adults they know well who may already be volunteering and would be willing to mentor or be a big brother or sister. Relationship is key here, so make sure it’s someone your kid can connect with.

If your church has small groups for children and students, encourage your child to join. Remember, that other voice doesn’t always have to be one on one. Sitting in a group of kids the same age with a great leader can be an incredible start.

Wherever you find the other person your child needs, get to know them, invite them to have coffee, and thank them for investing in your child.

Check out more Parent Cue Posts here

Pastor B Culture, Parent Cue, Spring, Students

How to Build Lasting Integrity in Kids

Icebergs and Ice Cubes

Check out the growing leaders blog here

An iceberg has been used over and over again by instructors to illustrate hidden realities. We often talk about the “tip of the iceberg” meaning there’s a larger amount of unseen substance than what’s visible. It’s an analogy. The iceberg is one of our most popular Habitudes® images when we teach leadership to students.

It has everything to do with integrity.

I believe the ten percent that lies above the water line represents our skills. They’re visible. Everyone can see them. But, they’re only the tip of our influence. The 90 percent that lies beneath the surface represents our character. And it’s always what is below the surface that sinks the ship.

Consider the Titanic for a moment. That tragic shipwreck that killed hundreds of people on board wasn’t due to the tip of the iceberg. It was that massive amount that’s invisible. It’s true about most failures in life, as well. I don’t know anyone who’s derailed their life with a technique flaw. I do, however, know several people who’ve derailed their career or their marriage or their friendships due to a character flaw.

When we teach our children character, (whether they’re six or sixteen), we cultivate substance beneath the surface. It can’t be seen, but in the long run it will surely impact the substance and direction of their lives. It’s invisible but important. The fact is, the majority of our influence lies in qualities beneath the surface.

My guess is—you’re a parent who wants to raise your children to be people with integrity. You want them to live by values, to be honest and ethical and to build a solid reputation. It’s a noble goal, but one that’s not easy to achieve today.

Why Is This so Challenging to Develop?

Becoming a person of integrity is difficult because our society places so much emphasis on what we can see. Our talent. Our Facebook profile. Our selfies. Our appearance. It’s almost always about our image not our integrity. If our kids display any special gifts or leadership qualities, it can be doubly hard. Consider these four statements:

  1. Their talent has the potential to carry them further than their character can sustain them. Without direction, their gift can mold them into someone they don’t intend to become. They’ll be tempted to use their gifts to go places their character isn’t robust enough to guide them or keep them aligned with good ethics.
  1. Trouble comes when their integrity doesn’t keep pace with the momentum created by their intelligence. Sometimes our intelligence is much stronger than our character. Our moral intelligence isn’t strong enough to give us clarity to make good choices. Smart kids can rationalize almost any misbehavior or poor decision.
  1. There is no correlation between giftedness and maturity. It’s easy to assume that a talented athlete, student council member or performer must be a mature leader. Not true. A person can have great gifts . . . and be the most immature person in the world. Unfortunately, they can still have influence. We must help our kids see the difference.
  1. Their commitment to integrity can be easily eroded by their love of progress. If a student lacks integrity, it doesn’t mean they’re inherently bad people. It may mean they are leaders and this is pushing them forward. Leaders want to make progress! Because they love progress they can compromise a commitment to integrity.

In addition, we live in a day of pluralism and tolerance, where we’ve taught our children to value and accept all points of view. This is a good thing. Unfortunately, kids can unwittingly fail to distinguish perspectives that are just plain wrong or unethical. The unintended consequence can be that kids fail to develop the ability to discern right from wrong. They don’t want to be judgmental, so they withdraw from making even moral judgments. This inability will be conspicuous as they begin their careers.

What Can You Do?

Let me suggest a handful of action steps you can take with your kids:

1. Make a list of values.

One of the two greatest goals you can model and teach to your children is to help them create a list of 4-6 words that describe the person they hope to become as adults. Call it a list of personal core values. Then, help them find ways to live up to those values weekly.

2. Challenge them to add value to others daily.

Next, in addition to living by values, give them perspective on adding value to others. Help them to perform one act every day that adds value to someone else. Try doing it yourself. Living by values and adding value are what makes people valuable to teams.

3. Make it a game to do what you disdain.

Challenge the family to choose something every week that you each don’t like to do, and do it daily. It may be a chore around the house, like taking out the garbage. Keep score on parents and kids. This creates a habit of doing right—even when it’s no fun.

4. Dinner check ups on integrity.

At dinner, talk about a weekly opportunity each family member had to practice something that displayed integrity when no one was watching. Anonymous acts of character. Affirm any growth in each person.

An Iceberg Not an Ice Cube

These simple acts can begin to cultivate kids with robust character. Kids who grow below the surface. Solid. Stable. Steady. Interestingly, there is such a thing as an iceberg that has very little substance below the surface. It’s called a “whistler.” They have nothing more underwater than what’s above. They’re like a floating ice cube. Do you know how you can identify a “whistler?” They consistently make noise as they drift.

Let’s raise our kids to have substance below the surface.