Pastor B Culture, Oakwood, Parent Cue

The Right Way to Have “The Talk”

MIDDLE SCHOOL SERIES STARTS TONIGHT

PARENT CUE ARTICLE

BY Mike Clear

I remember getting “the talk” from my stepdad when I was 12 years old. I could tell by his efforts and timing that it was thrown together at the last minute. He fumbled and stumbled his way through the 30-minute awkward conversation and in the end, we were both relieved when it was finally over.

Fast forward thirtyish years and I now find myself in the same position with my eleven-year-old son. And even though I’ve consumed as much information as possible in preparation for “the talk,” I still fear having it. The lyrics from Eminem’s song “Lose Yourself” best describe my feelings on the matter. “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already: Mom’s spaghetti.” Yup, that was me. My fear of “the talk” not only stemmed from my own forgettable experience with my stepdad, but also because I wanted to make sure that with my son I said the right things, in the right way, at the right time.

Well, I recently had the chance to interview Dr. Jim Burns about “the talk” on a podcast I host, and I came to learn that my whole viewpoint on the matter was flawed. Here’s what I learned:

There are no right things.

Jim said that anytime you talk to your kid about sex, you may walk away feeling like there were things you didn’t say that you wish you would have said, or things you said that you wish you had said better. You won’t always get it right, or even know what to say and that’s okay.

He recommended to always finish the conversation with room to pick it back up again later by simply saying, “Can we talk about this another time?”

There is no right way.

Do I have “the talk” with my kid while driving around in the car?
Or do I have “the talk” with them in their bedroom?
Is this a 30-minute conversation?
Or is this an all-day retreat?
Is this a morning conversation before breakfast?
Or is the evening more effective?
Do we sit down from each other and have a formal conversation?
Or do we have it while doing something informal together?

These are the questions I asked myself. And like me, you can overthink these all day long.
Jim’s advice was to simply use the rhythm of your day to start conversations about sex.

There is also no right time.

The talk can take place intentionally by you scheduling time with your child and saying, “What kind of things have you heard about sex?”

Or, it can take place unintentionally when your child one day randomly asks you a question about sex or puberty because the topic came up at school, or on the bus, or at a friend’s house and you respond by saying something calmly like, “I’m so glad you asked me” (while internally freaking out).

Jim’s advice: It’s important to start the conversation while your kids are young. You don’t have to tell them everything in that moment, or in one talk. This should be many talks—over time—but start young. And that right there was my biggest take-away from my time with Jim.

“The talk” is not a one-time talk.
And, it’s not a lecture.
Instead, it’s a conversation.
It’s a dialogue that hopefully continues through the phases.

Depending on the phase, your kid may be uncomfortable talking about sex and puberty with you, but they need to know you care enough about them and their body that you will push through the awkwardness to have the conversations.

Pastor B Culture, MS Leaders, Oakwood, Parent Cue, Summer

Sharenting: Solving the Problem of Parents and Kids on Instagram

Original Article Here – Growing Leaders is a great resource for Parents of Gen Z students!

By: Tim Elmore

It all started when April, Christine’s youngest daughter, was five years old. Christine knew April would be their family’s last baby and wanted to document each milestone and comical moment of her childhood. By the time she was ten, April was avoiding photo ops; shying away from the camera. By 13, when she had a phone of her own, April witnessed on social media just how much mom had posted on both Facebook and Instagram. She felt violated.

Eventually, as a teen, April requested her mom stop sharing photos of her. It was embarrassing and drew sarcasm from her friends. Christine, of course, was surprised. “But this is what everyone does, isn’t it, sweetheart?” she asked. “You post pictures, too. Why wouldn’t you want your mother to do the same?”

This is a scenario that happens millions of times every year.

Sharenting is Parents Sharing Too Much on Social Media

What happens when the heartfelt ambitions of parenthood meet the ubiquitous opportunities of social media? That’s the subject of “Sharenthood: Why We Should Think Before We Talk About Our Kids Online,” a new book by Leah Plunkett. Plunkett argues that “sharenting” happens any time an adult in charge of a child’s well-being, such as a parent or a teacher, transmits private details about a child via digital channels. The problem, of course, is that even though we may be the parent or guardian, kids are human. They’re vulnerable, and they know that a picture posted is now “out there” for anyone to see at any time in the future. The debate over “sharenting” remains: is it a right or is it a request we make of our kids?

Don’t think this is a big deal? Check out this statistic:

“Studies estimate that by 2030 nearly two-thirds of identity-fraud cases affecting today’s children will have resulted from sharenting.”

When moms and dads post information, they’re often not thinking long term. They’re simply thinking about the responses they’ll get online. But short-term thinking almost always costs someone in the form of unintended consequences.

Neighbors of mine tell me their kids (both teens and young adults) have all but vetoed any sharing of facts or photos that include them without consent. Ironically, one 19-year-old, Seth, reminded his mother that she had discussed “digital citizenship” with him when he was in high school. Now, it was time for her to learn the lesson as well. Managing what we “sharent” is the adult version of being good digital citizens. 

The Potential Price Tag

Indulge me to offer some costs to sharenting that we may not have considered:

  1. Stalkers may pick up details on your children, and manipulate them later.
  2. Your kids may develop an unintentional distrust in your judgement as a parent. 
  3. It can lead to identity fraud and the distribution of information among strangers.
  4. It may cause your teenager to withhold information from you. 
  5. Sharenting exposes children to the larger digital world without their consent, robbing them of a kind of agency. 

According to Plunkett, “The underlying problem with sharenting is the same with many adult-world surveillance and privacy issues: the bargain we have made in exchange for these services is that we surrender our data and choose not to imagine the worst-case scenarios. Not only that, it removes your child’s choice to never be on social media.” 

More and more students are choosing this route. They see the downside. 

In my opinion, too many of us are posting our life instead of living our life. Too much time and energy is spent on spinning our story on social media sites to appear happy, wealthy, or beautiful and it costs our loved ones’ reputation. 

Practical Guidelines We  Can Follow

  • Step into their shoes. Consider how you’ve felt when someone posted a picture with you in it and you hated the way you looked or the way it fueled a wrong narrative. Did you want to take it down? Ditto. 
  • Ask yourself: Do you really need to post that pic? Think long term and realize that you can take all the photos you want but you don’t have to post them. Just keep them on our phone or in a digital file for later.
  • Play the long game. Consider the unintended consequences of posting. Will it alienate your children or students? Could you lose more than you gain? The further out you can see, the better the decision you’ll make today for your kids.
  • Think impulse control. Allow the idea of posting your kid’s photo to move from your limbic system (where you feel) to your cortex (where you think). Consider all the potential consequences of the post and manage your impulses.

Have you heard of “DaddyOFive,” a popular YouTube channel from 2015 to 2017, run by a couple named Michael and Heather Martin? They drew hundreds of thousands of viewers by posting videos of their parenting mishaps and their children’s foibles as they grew up. It all seemed innocent, until they were arrested on charges that it was damaging their kids.

A psychologist in the trial found that two of the children, who were nine and eleven at the time, had experienced “observable, identifiable, and substantial impairments of their mental or psychological ability to function.” Michael and Heather are serving five years of probation and the channel was deleted. The Martins’ attorney assured the court that the couple would become more “careful” with their children and social media.

Here is my question. Why don’t we care more about developing our students than documenting them?

Pastor B Middle School Grow, Oakwood, Parent Cue, Students, Summer

Middle School Inside Out Sunday AM Series

Our Middle School Inside Out Sunday AM series will focus on what Christlike character is, why it’s needed, and how to have it. Each lesson gives your student the opportunity to study Scripture and apply it to their own life. Below are the passages we are studying and the main takeaway from each lesson. We also have a key verse for each week.

Week 1 – July 11 – Good Fruit

Galatians 5:22–26

THE TAKEAWAY When the Holy Spirit takes root, Christlike character grows in our lives.

Week 2 – July 18 – Be Wise

James 1:2–8

THE TAKEAWAY To be truly wise, you need to be on board with what God wants to do with your life.

Week 3 – July 25 – Thankful

Psalm 107:1–9

THE TAKEAWAY Christ-followers are thankful for the way God satisfies our needs.

Week 4 – Aug 1 – New Clothes, New Me

Colossians 3:1–17

THE TAKEAWAY God’s work on our insides should show change on our outsides.

Pastor B Culture, New Normal Covid-19, Oakwood, Parent Cue, Students, Summer

Quaranteens: Three Ideas to Help Students Grow in the Pandemic

For Full Article Click Here – I LOVE TIME ELMORE!!!

By: Tim Elmore

It’s been over a year since students all over the world were sent home from school and instantly had to learn how to learn from home. Teachers tried to maintain academic standards as students transformed their bedrooms, dens, and kitchens into classrooms to try to meet those standards. 

Some call these middle school and high school students quaranteens. 

They’re now voicing what it’s been like to spend 12 months in a lockdown, knowing rites of passages for past high schoolers will not happen for them. The senior trip, the prom, the graduation ceremony–all of these are morphing (at least slightly) and teens are feeling the angst of it all. In an interview, some said to me:

“My anxiety has gone up a thousand percent.”

“I pretty much feel lonely all the time.” 

 “I love spending time on screens, but I hate them now because that’s all I do.”

Dr. Dimitri Christakis, director of the Center for Child Health, Behavior and Development at Seattle Children’s Research Institute said, “The cost will be borne by families because increased online use is associated with anxiety, depression, obesity and aggression — and ‘addiction to the medium itself.’” Did you know that screen time has doubled year over year during the pandemic?

What the Teenage Brain Needs

I do not claim to be a neuroscientist, but as I study brain development in teens, it is clear that adolescence is a time of measurable change in hormones and other chemicals that change how a person reacts to life. Their brains are pruning themselves, moving from childhood thoughts and feelings to adult thoughts and feelings. It’s an in-between stage where a parent, teacher, or coach observes shifting emotions on any given day.

My point is simple: The essentials COVID-19 has stolen from teens are the very elements they need to develop and thrive. Three realities are clear:

  1. Their brains need socialization.
  2. Their brains need structure.
  3. Their brains need sleep.

Teens Need Socialization

One of the primary ways teens mature is through social contact. They are testing boundaries. They’re assessing patterns of thought. They are comparing themselves to others and forming a sense of identity. This happens when they spend time with both adults and peers. The pandemic has forced them to separate, so adults need to help them find ways to get connected and socialize as part of their development. Students see it as fun, but we know it’s actually how they’ll grow during their adolescent years. 

Consider how kids develop their values during their childhoods.

  • Ages 1-7: Imprint by observation. (They observe adults and emulate what they see.)
  • Ages 8-13: Modeling by heroes. (They now choose their heroes and imitate them.)
  • Ages 14-20: Socialization by peers. (They compare and contrast via relationships.)

What if we got just as intentional about encouraging teens to find places they can connect with each other for non-academic purposes as we are about academics? Driveway small groups, community service projects, or even the Clubhouse app are great starting points for students to socialize and grow together. 

Teens Need Structure 

The pandemic hasn’t removed structure completely, but it has reduced it significantly. For months, the typical routines of classes, athletic practices, band rehearsals, and school plays have dropped and in some places disappeared for months. Most teens need this structure in their daily schedules. It prepares them for adulthood and enables them to build disciplines and habits in their lives. Consider the benefits of structure:

  1. It fosters a sense of security as norms are established. 
  2. It provides clarity and combats ambiguity.
  3. It can build good habits through a maintained routine schedule.  

Stick to a schedule that works. Set a time to wake up, exercise, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, or whatever your student needs to start the school day. If it helps, allow your teen to sleep in a little later than normal. Just like in most classes, phones should be off while doing schoolwork. Keep the TV off during school hours, too, and limit the time they watch the news. Plan mini breaks and a one-hour lunch break.

Teens Need Sleep

Most of us recognize how important sleep is to an adolescent, even more so than an adult. The average amount of sleep that U.S. teenagers get is about seven hours, perhaps a few minutes more depending on where they live. However, studies show they need between nine and nine and a half hours. Teenagers do not get enough sleep for a number of reasons including a shift in their sleep schedules and the number of hours they spend on a screen, especially right before bedtime. 

In my interview with high school students, the majority of them acknowledged their sleep patterns have been “wrecked” by the pandemic. Some are on their portable devices even more these days and unless they are intentional about their time, phone addictions can develop. Below are some ideas to foster good sleep habits in students:

  1. Ban portable devices in the bedroom, and charge them somewhere else.
  2. Limit caffeine intake. Instead, drink more water. 
  3. Encourage exercise every day–walks, shooting hoops, running, etc.
  4. Start a habit of reading 30 minutes before falling asleep.

Socialization. Structure. Sleep. They’re basic needs that teens have, especially in a pandemic. It’s up to you and your teens to figure out what’s missing and apply it.

One of our applicable Habitudes is called “Surgeries and X-Rays.” Before a doctor performs an operation to repair a patient’s bone, that surgeon will always take an X-ray to see the fracture and determine what repair is necessary. It would be ridiculous to simply cut into the patient and begin wandering around with a knife, looking for a possible problem in the dark. So it is with students. I suggest you take time to reflect together on what they’re missing. Assess where they stand. Do a conversational “x-ray.” Then they can do the necessary surgery by removing unhealthy habits and inserting healthy ones in their place.